3 simple and practical ways for walking through grief

When life is hard, we have to uncomplicate everything, easy, practical. Bare bones. It's almost like we have to relearn the basics. Grief is hard.

In many ways we do. The rhythms we once held seem distant, complicated. Simple, is what we need. Though it's not always obvious to us. We don't need something that is going to over complicate the limited brain capacity we currently have. Acknowledging this is key. When we are walking through difficulty, every day tasks can sometimes take twice as long and some not get accomplished at all. Brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Getting out of your pjs. Eating. Staying hydrated. Everyday simple tasks are now difficult.

Lean in, I want you to know that what you are walking through is incredibly painful, even if it is only temporary. Hear me, Jesus, He knew He was about to raise Lazarus, Sister, He stood outside of his tomb and He wept. He wept. He knew what He was about to do and still He wept. Revealing the depths of His love and His humanity. The loss of a loved one. A prodigal child. Secret sins that have now been exposed. A bad report from the school counselor. An uncertain diagnosis. The loss of a job. Bankruptcy. Any one of these can lead us into grief. Desiring for life to look different than what it is currently, is a perfectly normal feeling to have.

My first encounter with death

I can still remember after my little brother died. I asked my then boyfriend, "I don't understand. How can I move on from here? How can my life go back to normal? One of the single most important people in my life, my little brother, my best friend, forever gone from this life. How could I go on? I didn't want to live. All I knew was, life could never be the same. Alex, who would become my husband, said to me, "your life will never be the same, you will have a new normal." His words pierced me deeply. How could he say this? It felt so insensitive at the time, but it was the truth. This May 17th will be twenty years since my little brother went to be with The Lord. The rawness and heartbreak that overtook me at seventeen years old, no longer haunt me, nor wake me at night. I still miss Him, especially as I've had children and my other siblings have had children. I see him in them. I am no longer engulfed by horrible thoughts. I do not believe that time heals all wounds.

I do however believe that God can heal. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. My life is living proof. At 17 years old my only relief was escapism. Cutting. I ran. I didn't want to be with my family. I didn't want to be reminded of what I lost. So I made myself forget. I wanted so badly to make the pain stop. I used drugs, sex and alcohol to try to numb my pain. This is what I don't want for you. I wondered at 18 years old when I came to know The Lord, if I ever went through something as hard in my life, would I choose God. Would I find my refuge in Him? Would I trust Him? How could knowing God make my life different? Better?

We are told in Philippians 3:14, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." If you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death I want you to know there is hope on the other side. All hope is not gone. You will breath anew again. Life may look very different but there is still beauty here.

1. Stay in God's Word.

After my daddy died, almost four years ago in August, from a series of strokes and medical negligence we were left devastated. We had just celebrated his 60th birthday, in the hospital. As my daddy laid in a coma, I sat in my prayer closet weeping, asking God how this could have happened. Petitioning for Him to help me to forgive those who failed to give my daddy care. Days later we would find out exactly what had happened, where the negligence was found, through their own sources, because nothing is hidden from God.

It is painful for me to share this with you. The thought of you grieving alone, wondering if your energy level, or lack thereof is normal encourages me to share the hard parts of my life. I don't want you to feel alone. I want you to know there are other people just like you who are wondering if they will ever be able to think a clear thought again.

I sat and I cried out to God, "revive me God". I didn't know it, at the time, this was actually a scripture I was crying out. I would sit in the prayer closet, holding my bible, weeping, asking God to help me draw near. I was met with kindness and compassion. Even in silence at times. Because I have made a practice of hiding Gods Word in my heart, I knew what His Word said, "Never will I leave you, nor forsake you", though I couldn't "feel" Gods nearness, I knew He was present. So I prayed. "Father forgive them for me, and revive us Lord, Heal us Father."

6 Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you? 7 Show us your unfailing love, LORD, and grant us your salvation. 8 I will listen to what God the LORD says; he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants— but let them not turn to folly... psalms 85:6

2. Be kind to yourself.

Walking through grief is hard. Be kind to yourself. If you find yourself forgetting appointments. Commitments, not responding to text messages, phone calls. Be kind to yourself. Speak kindly and tenderly to yourself. Do not speak words of hate over yourself, this will only hinder your healing journey. Proverbs 18:21 tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat of its fruit.". Speak life over yourself. Something like this, "I know that right now I am having a difficult time even forming one coherent sentence but soon it will not be this way, God thank you for my brain. Thank you for helping me today. God I want to see your mercy today. Your Word says,

²² The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;^[a]
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness..." Lamentations 3:22-23

Please help me to believe and not miss your mercy that is found here and now for me today."

If you don't feel like being around other people, be kind to yourself. Maybe you were the life of the party before, but now you'd rather spend your days in solitude. This doesn't have to become your everyday normal, but it may be for a time.

I love the words of Bonhoeffer, "If you seek solitude, seek community. If you are seeking community, find solitude...".

I knew that I needed to seek my people out when all I wanted was to spend time by myself. My life is pretty loud and full, with five kiddos, a siblings family living with us, it's our real life full house. It is beautiful and messy, and often, very loud. The thought of reaching out to a friend, to have coffee or tea, was exhausting. In mid January I was planning a birthday gathering for me and a few of my girls, by February life looked so different, a back injury that left me out of commission, my mother in law on hospice, my husband, her caregiver alongside siblings. One of my dearest friends in the whole world dying. Life has been hard sister. But I hold onto this hope, and when our Pastor asks me how I'm doing I say, "I am being sustained by God". and it's the truth.

3. Music is healing.

I recently found Ophelia Wilde on youtube. Her music has blessed my heart in more ways than I could express. Her style is very much cozy, comforting, classical, nurturing, warm and inviting. Here in our home I aspire for us to live slower, more intentionally. Her music fits into our days so beautifully. Especially as my little girls put on their ballet shoes and begin to dance. I am telling you it is a gift, and if you don't know who she is, you need to go look her up. Our family also loves to listen to klove radio station. Did you know you can listen from your devices at home too? They always have inspirational hope filled messages, so I listen. The Lord uses their ministry to bless my heart and I know it will bless you also. Recently they shared singing out "Amazing grace" can help to reverse some heart failure. I was astounded. Of course these incredible songs would have healing properties.

I don't want to do this, but I will be glad I did.

Yessi argabiright

These are the words I would often speak to myself. When I felt too exhausted to shower. When getting out of bed felt too hard. Getting out of my pajamas. Calling a friend to tell her I felt lonely. When I invited a few darling gals to join me for a monthly supper club, because The Lord showed me to. When we are in grief its difficult to see other people. Other's needs. So I ask Father, please bring people to mind whom you would have me pray for and when He does, I reach out. I might send a text message, or an offer to bring coffee, something small. A gesture of love. That I might not be consumed with my own pain, my own hurt. There is beauty when we invite others into our pain. Being honest and transparent when The Lord prompts you to share is important. I share more about knowing who your people are here, my prayer for you is that you will know who you can trust, beginning with The Lord. That God would bring your people who will do life with you in this season. May they love you well and may you love them back and allow them in, because life is more beautiful with friends.

Blessings and God's peace be yours in Jesus Name, Amen.