Practical ways to building authentic friendships as believers

Why we all need friends:

I love authentic friendships. Deep meaningful conversations. In my 20’s I found it harder to connect with people who only wanted surface level relationships. Just a hello when I walk by you at church, a hello when I see you at the grocery store, but nothing else. Then for several seasons, for years I had friends that would come into my life, I'd connect them with other friends I thought we could all be one happy group, but for some reason or another many didn’t stay. This was also true in my childhood. The belief that I wouldn't make friends that stayed, haunted me for years. To this day, I don’t know why some of those friendships ended, but I read this quote once, “The Lord knows the conversations that are happening behind your back.” While this is certainly true, I also know that as a young 20 something year old, I still had so much growing up to do. 

It’s easy for us to put unrealistic expectations on friends. Sometimes we expect people to pick up the phone the moment we call them. Answer the text as soon as it’s received. I don’t know about you, but the more children I’ve had the more difficult it has been for me to keep up with all things. Those closest to me know I am a text away. I usually do not answer the phone, unless prompted by Holy Spirit to do so. Our days are filled with so much noise, it’s rarely quiet so a phone call just adds to the loud. I’ve also noticed that a lot of times the person on the other line needs an immediate answer and I just don’t have the bandwidth for that. 

None of us do. 

Everything cannot be an emergency and many times the phone calls I used to get were because someone needed something from me, right there and then. I know this sounds mean, and it may be, but God has called us to guard our heart and mind. That’s a whole other post we may title, “boundaries”. 

A text allows me time to pray, to process. To think through my response. Not rushed. But thoughtfully. Slowly. 

The truth is, I value my friendships greatly. 

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you my friendship with God has been key to making lasting friendships. 

Not only to extend grace to friends when they cannot be there for me, but also in helping me to rely more on Him. 

This season of not picking up the phone also taught me many phone calls were me playing “Savior”. This was sobering. I was keeping others from a deepened relationship with God. Of course I didn’t see it this way. I just wanted to help. I loved my friends, family so much, and I felt like, “hey, we can seek God together”, but it turned into, “I’ll seek God, you seek me.”

When a friend first did this to me, I felt hurt. Sad. Wondered what I had done wrong. In Gods kindness one such friend shared with me I was going to her first, not the Lord, and this needed to stop, she wasn’t my Savior. She needed to point me to God! He needed to be my first line. Not her. 

This was life changing! 

I want to share with you some practical steps to help you make lasting friendships, deepen the friendships you already have and help you to grow your friendship with God.

Some of these may be easy, and others will challenge you. 

Not everyone is your best friend. 

I’ve come to this conclusion, not everyone is going to be your best friend. Not everyone you meet will like you. I’m sorry, they just aren’t. Deep breath. It’s okay. God has your people. 

The people that are closest to us will have the greatest influence in our lives. We don’t need every single person we know to speak into our lives, this is not wise. Let’s look at the life of Jesus, He served many people, and He even had an extension of followers, but only 12 disciples, and even then 3, Peter, James and John, who were closest to Him. 

I once heard a teacher say we are to have different types of friends in our lives. 

1. Friends we pour into
2. Friends who pour into us 

This was so helpful for me. This helped me to see that not everyone will pour into us and that we are not meant to be best friends with everyone. Some friends need extra help, people we minister to. These precious women may never pour into us, and that’s more than okay! We may have wisdom and insight, love, compassion that they need, and in Gods love we can bring this to them. I love the scripture that says, "... and as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good and lend expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great..."

When we pour into friendships I truly believe the reason we can feel depleted at times is because we don't know when it's time to get poured into. I’ve been in seasons where I was the only one doing the pouring into. I didn’t have people in my life who were pouring into me. This is exhausting. Even as we are seeking and walking with God. I didn't understand that I needed people in my life who were not in need of something I had. Be kind to yourself in this process, we are all learning and all longing for meaningful lasting friendships.

The Lord will bring friendships into our lives that will pour into us. It may be for a long time or only for a short season. I have found to not despise the short term friendships, because they were purposeful in their time and season. While I've continued to have children many of my friends children have grown into adults. I've known these precious women for a long time, but our lives do not coincide as they did when my seventeen year old was a toddler. Most of my children are very young. I don’t have as much free time as some of these Mamas do, but when we do get together once every six-nine months it’s so special, we get to catch up and here how we are all doing.

Go, first. 

Every time I wonder if I should share with this person The Lord has brought into my life, and I answer His prompting and do so, I am thankful I did. Sometimes the friends The Lord will bring are carrying heavy burdens they don’t feel safe sharing, when we go first, as The Lord leads, we help walls to come down. 

Now hear me, this isn’t a therapy session, this isn’t, let me dump on my friend all that’s going on in my life and then we will be better friends or let me tell you all I've ever been through. This might be a recipe for disaster. I want WISDOM for us, this one goes hand in hand with the first one. Seek God, ask Him, is this a person I can trust, is this a person you’ve brought into my life that I can do life with? This part is so important, please don’t skip this step! 

I have walked through so many painful seasons in my life, and recently have found myself in another one of these valleys. The shadow of death. ( Psalms 23:4) Friend, the scriptures are life to me. Truly I am walking “through” this valley. I think of it like a drive thru, a place I am passing by, not pitching a tent in. These seasons may be long or short, we never know, but what I do know, is that these seasons are never wasted. It is here that the most growth can take place in our friendship with God and the people He brings into our lives.

Can I trust you God? Are you truly strong enough to carry this weight for me? 

God has brought ladies who will enter into my pain. My grief. My sorrow. There is a beautiful sound that is made. An alter that is created to The Lord. The tears of a broken heart, a promise, “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” What happens when we shake off fear and step into the joy and grief of another? It’s sacred. It’s beautiful. It’s messy. And scary. Yes. I have sobbed with a close friend at a coffee shop as we interceding for each other, what some call, “ugly crying”, is the sound of brokenness that is pleasing to Our Father. My hope for you, is that God will bring women into your life that you can share life with. The joys and the pain. Because life is full of both. And sometimes at the same time. I want this for you. But not apart from Him! 

He is the greatest friend. God truly is the friend who loves at all times and the more we grow in our relationship with Him the better we can love the women He has brought into our lives. 

So how do we become a friend of God? 

In scripture I see this example, where Christ is telling His disciples, if we abide in Him, if we obey His commands, His Words will abide in us, we will ask and He will give what we desire, if we abide in Him.  No longer will He call us servants, but now He will call us friends, for the servant does not know what the Master is doing…” John 15:1-17 (paraphrased) 

We cannot skip the servant step, first we must walk with God as Our Master, Abide in Him, obey Him. Our God. The One we seek and answer to. Then when we have walked with Him, when He has tested our genuine faith. We move from just being servants to friends of God. I don’t know how long this takes. What I do know is that I love The Lord and desire to follow Him whole heartedly. The more we walk with Him, the more His Word will become alive to us. The more we will desire to know Him, to follow and obey Him, to please Him. The more insight and revelation Holy Spirit will entrust us with, not just for us, but for the building up and edification of The Church, not so that we might boast, but so that God would be honored and glorified and yes, He will provide the friends we are longing for. 

Psalms 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in God and HE will give you the desires of your heart.” There is beauty in praying according to His word. How will we know Gods will? By spending time with Him, in His Word, by praying for His will to be done in every situation, in our lives. 

Recently I was praying and asking The Lord to help me start a monthly supper club. Not just a time to eat, but a time for fellowship, to grow in The Word, in relationship with one another. Jennie Allen has an excellent website with so many amazing resources you can find here. One of these resources is called, “If Table”. 6 people. 4 questions. 2 hours. You can take turns hosting, or meet at a public place, truly whatever works best for you. I want to challenge you to pray on this! 

Maybe you’ve been wondering, how do I grow in community? I want to make true friends that are “closer than a brother” (sister). But how? (Proverbs 18:24)

Jennie has these amazing conversation cards that are just so great, and you can choose the topic on her website, and print directly from there! They skip the small talk and help you to get to know each other on a deeper level. 

I want to invite you to PRAY about this! Maybe you need to Go, first! Invite the few ladies you’ve been wanting to get to know better. 

Below is a simple text I sent to a few close friends The Lord brought to my mind as I prayed on who to invite,

“Is there margin in your life for a possible monthly supper club??!

Gathering just a few friends. We would eat together, pray, get to know each other, share life. 

Not everyone could make it in this season, but I was obedient and sent the text. We were so richly blessed by each other’s presence and it was truly a beautiful time! 

Whether you have fine China to set out or paper plates, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are obedient, open your doors!!! 

The night of our supper club came, I was so wiped. Weeks prior I had asked one of my dear friends if she’d bring the main dish. Our season of difficult had just intensified and I needed help. Usually the host will prepare the main dish. I didn’t want to cancel and knew what I had energy for was a loaf of my easy sourdough bread. My dear friend was happy to oblige. I’m so thankful. It was humbling for me to have to ask for help, being the host and all, but it was a beautiful reminder to reach out and ask for help when we need it. 

I want this for you! 

This week, sit with The Lord, if you’re struggling in your relationship with Him, shoot me a message, let’s pray together. Know that I’m already praying for you! 

So many of us are so lonely. We isolate ourselves sometimes on purpose, believing the lie of the enemy, “who would want to be my friend?”. The devil is a liar, sister! We tell ourselves stories that validate these feelings. I do not doubt that you have been hurt, I'm sorry, we all have at some point or another, but please don’t allow the fear of what could go wrong rob you from making authentic friendships in this season of your life! 

God has your people, and He’s the first in line. 

Many blessings! I do pray this post was helpful to you and brought you hope today! If it is, would you please let me know in the comments. As I pray about what to write about, it’s so helpful to hear how these posts encourage you and it helps others to see this message too. Simply leave your comment below . 

Thank you for being here.

Dig deeper John 15, Psalms 23, Luke 6:32-36, James 1:5