Practical ways to help someone who is grieving.

Hope in the storm.

Walking through grief is hard. Grief causes you to slow down to a pace that is uncomfortable, it feels uncertain, can make you question life deeply and the way we live our lives. It is painful. But it does not have to be lonely, nor something we despise. I read this once and it ministered to my heart greatly, “I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages”

― Charles H. Spurgeon

I want to empower you to love your people well. You will not hold all the answers, be okay with this, none of us do, but there are practical ways we can be a good friend. These were modeled to me by my parents. They didn't care if you were contagious, they showed up anyway, with food, ready to serve, to listen.

We are told in scripture that God is a friend who loves at all times. I want to be a friend who loves at all times, but I don't always know how to show love, how to give love. Walking through grief is not easy. Everything changes. A whole new normal will be established, truly without our knowing, happening silently in the dark, like the growing of a beautiful oak beneath the ground, especially if its due to the loss of a loved one, but before that happens life feels uneasy, unstable, very messy. The thoughts in our heads are not as clear. Everything seems jumbled, and we may even forget our own names at times. This is the reality of grief, especially in the beginning when everything is still so raw. So how can you help to make this difficult season a little more bearable for the ones you love? First remember that God is near to those who have a broken heart, and He saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18. Your sacrifice of love will be the tangible hands and feet of Jesus.

Practical ways to be a good friend:

Bring food. No, really. She needs food. It doesn't need to be a three course meal but chances are, she hasn't eaten all day. Not because she's trying to starve herself, but because there’s so much going on in her brain. Anxious, fearful thoughts might be attacking her brain. Replaying words I could have said, should have said, will never get to say... Remembering beautiful moments I will never have with this person again. Grief is heavy. It’s exhausting. Sometimes even a full nights rest doesn’t feel enough. When you drop by with food, this will bless me tremendously. Even if it’s just a sandwich and a bag of chips, it’ll nourish my body. Promise. And your smiling face will bless my heart even if I did say I didn’t need anything, nor did I feel up for company. 

Show up anyway. And If I don’t come to the door, send me a text and leave the food. 

Bring snacks. None perishable snacks are perfect. Meat sticks. Breakfast bars. Simple foods that I can easily grab when I finally realize I’m hungry. 

Bring fruit. Oranges, apples, blueberries. These are yummy fruits that are fairly easy to eat. Oh and Cheese. Bring cheese too. It’s filling, loaded with fats that our brains need to continue to heal. 

Order their favorite drink. I may not be eating very well, so what may benefit more than a full caffeine drink might be half caf or decaf all together like a Chai. These are delicious and often don’t have caffeine.

A lot of coffee shops also sell egg bites, these are so yummy and loaded with good protein, something that will help your friend keep going. 

Buy groceries. You might not know exactly what she needs, but simple foods like the above would be a great help. Toilet paper, paper towels, tissues, paper plates, napkins. These simple things that we use everyday, she and her family will need too, and this could her and her family to not have to worry about clean up.

Applesauce.

Dried fruit.

Salami.

Nuts are also super helpful and filling when energy is short. You can either deliver them yourself or have a grocery store deliver for you.

Bake them some bread. Sourdough bread is so delicious and very good on the gut. Especially in seasons when we are hurting we need good nourishing meals that we might not have the energy to make ourselves. My easy sourdough bread recipe works great, has blessed many hungry bellies. You can make several batches at one time. You can find the recipe here.

Bring them a meal. McAllister's is always a hit. They have so many yummy sandwiches and soup. Unless we’re in the middle of the Texas heat maybe soup would not be the best, but otherwise their selection is pretty great. 

The truth you need to know when someone is grieving:

I know we often don’t know how to help, and so we say things like, “let me know how I can help. Let me know if you need anything…” 

Here’s the truth. This is not very helpful. I know you mean well, and the truth is we want to help, but don't know how. Let me honest with you, those words are loaded and heavy when you're walking through grief.

As someone who has experienced loss many times,  I don’t know what I need. 

Half the time I can’t think straight when I’m grieving. Love me well and bring me some simple foods. Tuna. Crackers. Meat sticks. Homemade Lemonade. Rice bowls filled with protein, and a veggie are super filling too, and easy to prepare at home. Not only are these easy to make, they are so nourishing for a weary soul. 

Another practical way to help is to offer to take the kids for a couple of hours. Even just thirty minutes so that she can nap or take a quick shower can be so helpful. 

If she welcomes you inside, offer to clean her toilets. She might be embarrassed and not want you to see the mess, if that’s the case you can reassure her, “I’m here to love on you, help you with whatever you might need.” Maybe a short text conversation days before you come over could help her think through what she might need help with.

A helpful text like this one may be just what she needs, “I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how I might be able to help. I would love to come over and help you with whatever tasks you’ve been having a difficult time with. If it’s laundry, a toilet, dishes, reading with the kids, spelling, math? Whatever it might be, I’m willing to help. I’m thinking I can come in a few days. Maybe just let me know when I get there? Think about it, I’m here to help you.”

This short text may be received with, “you’re so kind, but I’m really okay.” And if that’s the case and she just wants you to come sit with her, do that. Sit with her. I have never regretted sitting with a friend in the middle of her difficult season. I come knowing what I am about to walk into will be too heavy for me to carry, and so I won’t try to carry it, but what we can do, is to sit together with Jesus, and ask Him to carry it for us. Together we will lighten the load. We are commanded to bear one another's burdens.

In sitting with your friend you are responding in obedience and love, honoring The Lord.

Laugh with me. Weep with me. When a person is having a difficult time it’s hard for them to articulate what would help them most. Please do your best to understand this. Don't take offense when they don't respond for days, just send a follow up message that is short and sweet, "I am continuing to pray for you. Here for you. I will drop by on, just to give you a hug..." or bring bread, or a snack, a drink. What matters is that you love her during this time.

Pray and I should say, this should be done first, prayer is us inviting God into our lives, our situation. Invite The Lord in, ask Him to show you how to best love your friend. I know He will. Below I will share a couple more tips. What truly matters is that your friend knows you’re willing to help. She needs you. Whether she knows it or not.  Your friendship is a gift to her. And even just that short text, “I’m thinking about you” will bless her. & if you’re able, follow it up with, “can I bring you a drink?”. 

Here are a few more ideas to love her well:

Bring pizza. If they have kids they'll be so excited over pizza. It's an easy meal they can eat and it'll provide nourishment.

Vacuum her floors.

Wash, and fold their laundry. 

Bring a yummy pastry. Especially if it’s homemade. Cookies are so yummy and easy to grab. A friend recently brought us no bake peanut butter balls! They were delicious and such a help. We were having a very difficult day, she stopped by, unannounced. I had no idea why she was there, ha, we live in a day and age where we expect people to call now, its not like the old days where people just showed up for each other un announced. Her visit blessed me. She didn't come in, my girls ran out, her kids ran out, they ran around and played and we chatted on the front porch for a few minutes. I didn't have the mental space to invite her in. What I did have energy for was to come to the front door. I am so thankful I did. We were both so encouraged by each others presence.

I'm hoping to make some of these delicious peanut butter no bake balls, and will share the recipe with y'all soon.

Here's a simple truth about grief and walking through hardships, I may not even remember that you dropped by. Don’t let that be discouraging, instead remember you’re not doing it for the glory, the applause, so she can tell you what an amazing friend you are, you’re doing this because you love your friend and you love God and that’s what matters!!! She may never be able to articulate just how special your visit was, the meal you brought or the drink you dropped off, but it will have nourished her body and likely that of her children, and that is a beautiful thing in the sight of God. Colossians 3:23. " And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men..."

Keep showing up for your people.

I am praying this will be helpful to you. One of my most special people, who did this for me, Dana, went to be with The Lord this past week. Tears come very easily. I miss her so much. Her friendship blessed me in more ways than I could ever say. She was my sister in Christ and loved my children like her own. She sat with me many times, brought me food more times than I can count, took my children to the park, to events I didn't have the energy to drive them to. Held my face and reminded of God's truth and love when others spoke hurtful words that wounded my heart or I was spiraling with anxiety after babies and needed help. She was one of my most favorite people. She lived these practical tips out so well. She knew where our hope came from and she made sure to tell me, she also knew cookies have healing powers so she'd bake them and share them with us! We are going to miss her so much and look forward with great hope to our reunion in Heaven with King Jesus.

Tell your people you love them and if you are given the opportunity to love a friend through difficult seasons, please do it, your reward will be eternal. So many are hurting silently, reach out, check on your friends. Show up on door steps. Lets run this race that God has set out for us with endurance and not neglecting to do good, always that when our time comes we may hear, "well done, good and faithful servant." Like my daddy heard. Like my sister Dana heard.

Thank you for taking the time to read, as always, I am blessed by your comments and thoughts. Thank you for being here.